“Award”-Winning (sort Of) and Personal Faves
Don’t Reinvent the Wheel, Points in Case, chosen as a “best of the week” by the Newsletter of Humorous Writing
It’s Not Going Great, but Imagine How Much Worse Things Would Be with a Woman President, McSweeney’s 5th most-read article of June 2025
Our Kids’ Minds Are Rotting Because of This New Technology (Fire), one of the Belladonna’s 5 most-read articles of April 2025
It’s a Shame We Have to Betray Our Allies, Starve the Poor, Halt Scientific Progress, Destroy the Environment, and Eliminate the Freedoms Enshrined in the Bill of Rights, but at Least My Investment Portfolio Is Also Tanking, McSweeney’s 5th most-read article of March 2025
What Your Favorite ’90s Band Says About the Kind of Bored Suburban Mom You Are Today (co-written with Jared Bilski), McSweeney’s 4th most-read article of 2024
A Day in the Life of Today’s Parent, as Imagined by Grandparents, McSweeney’s 3rd most-read article of January 2024
Introducing Our University’s New Executive Vice President of Saving Money, McSweeney’s 11th most-read article of 2023
How to Ensure Your Annual Beach Vacation Destroys Your Relationship with Your Extended Family (co-written with Jeff Bender), McSweeney’s 8th most-read article of 2023
How Urgently Your Mom Needs to Talk to You, Based on What She Said in the Voicemail, McSweeney’s 5th most-read article of 2023
Are You Doing Something Very Ordinary in Real Life or Unraveling at the Brink of a Mental Breakdown in a Movie?, McSweeney’s, chosen as a “best of the week” by the Newsletter of Humorous Writing
Why I, The Real Estate Novelist From “Piano Man,” Never Had Time For A Wife (co-written with Jeff Bender), Slackjaw, reprinted in The Funny Times
Sophie B. Needs To Grow The Fuck Up And Admit That Santa Is Real, Slackjaw, a personal favorite
Norrisville Elementary’s Non-Compulsory Mid-December Spirit Week Has Nothing to Do with Christmas, McSweeney’s, chosen as a “best of the week” by the Newsletter of Humorous Writing
Bruce Springsteen Lyrics that Hit Differently as I Age (co-written with Jeff Bender), reprinted in Reader’s Digest
Don’t Cross Me Because I Will Get My Revenge by Being Marginally Less Pleasant the Next Time We Meet, McSweeney’s, chosen as a “best of the week” by the Newsletter of Humorous Writing
What Your Favorite ’90s Rock Band Says about the Type of Bored Suburban Dad You Are Today (co-written with Jared Bilski), McSweeney’s 10th most-read article of 2021
Vaccine Side Effect, or Have You Just Been Alive for 40 Years?, McSweeney’s 5th most-read article of 2021
If Everyone Did Their Jobs Like the IRS (co-written with Nick Morgan), Weekly Humorist, chosen as a Weekly Humorist “best of 2021”
Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy March Madness: Key Matchups in the NCAA Little Women Tournament, McSweeney’s, a personal favorite
You Can Skip the First Few Seasons of Your Child’s Life, Because It Doesn’t Really Get Good Until Season 6, McSweeney’s, reprinted in Embrace the Merciless Joy: The McSweeney’s Internet Tendency Guide to Raising Small, Medium, and Large Children